How to be successful with girls (Part One)
You may think this is me blowing my own horn (I’ve tried a few times and come away with nothing but a sore back) but in the last while I’ve found that I’ve been quite lucky in the ladies department. This is not due to any amazing good looks, physical endowment (I hear girth is more important anyway – Tuna Cans ftw!) or money – definitely not money, but rather I think it’s because I’ve cracked a little bit of the girl code. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert, perhaps it’s best described that I work in the Research and Development department of Girl Inc, rather than being a board member, but I do take my research rather seriously.
That being said, here are a few tips I’ve picked up that might aid you in your travels through your twenties. Girls, if there are any of you reading this – please feel free to add comments/hurl abuse. I have noticed that sometimes getting girls to hate you is a great way to hook up with them. I’ll stop rambling now.
1. Be happy go lucky
There is nothing that girls hate more than a stick in the mud. If you were one of those kids who wouldn’t climb over anything or refused to be towed behind your buddy’s scooter on a skateboard, I would suggest you try and change. I am quite sure there are girls out there who value level-headedness and sound financial planning, but in my experience – most girls just want someone to excite them. So when girls say things like, “OMG we should totally just get in the car and like drive somewhere!” you go, “Do you have a spare pair of panties in your bag?”
Girls love a rogue. The guy who steals flowers to give to them or helps them sneak into an uninhabited holiday house on the beach (damn, that was fun).
2. Have some kind of nebulous belief system
Or – be able to speak enough bullcrap about it so that they assume you’re ‘spiritual’. What you really believe is immaterial. Ghost stories, other weird happenings etc – girls eat that up like Cristiano Ronaldo covered in peanut butter. Think of lines like, “You know, given the experiences I’ve had in my life, it just makes me think that there has to be something more out there… you know… I mean, like – there’s just so much stuff that we haven’t even explained yet…”
If you say that to a girl while lying on the bonnet of your car, staring up at the sky – you are well on your way, young man.
3. Have emotions, but don’t be a baby
Girls love it when you get misty eyed. It gives them something to nurture. Make up some father issues, if you and your dad went to go watch rugby together every weekend. Tell her about how your first dog died. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have a dog. What you need to do though is find the line between emotion and lameness. If you can get a single tear going, then turn away and stare into the distance with your arms folded then you know you are doing something right.
4. Agree, but not too much
Everyone likes it if you agree with them, but no one likes it when you just go – uh huh, yeah, totally! It’s annoying. Remember when you were a kid and if a girl pulled your hair and called you gross it kind of meant she liked you – in some ways that hasn’t changed too much. Come out and tell a girl something that you know contradicts what she believes. This especially works with hot girls because they’re not used to insubordination. Challenge them and make them see it as a competition.
Anyway. It’s getting late now and I need to drive tomorrow. Sleep tight everyone.
